How Automobiles Work (For bicycle hippies, stereotypical valley girls, and show-offs) Part I
Cars these days have been uplifted to a high pedestal, where they are waxed, spoiled with spoilers, and washed by a scantily clad Paris Hilton holding a double cheeseburger. But any normal person should understand that these chunks of metal are nothing more than an expensive pile of Legoes. For the people who wash their car every day and drive with sunglasses and one hand on the wheel, what exactly are you praising? Could it be that electronic fuel injection system? Could it be the camshaft valvetrain? Maybe it’s just your Bose subwoofer or your spinners (tacky, btw).
We shall start with all the stuff underneath the hood of your car, so that the next time you open the thing up, you’re not just doing it so you can stare blankly at it. For demonstration purposes, I introduce my family’s 1998 Toyota Sienna, 145,000 miles.
INSTRUCTIONS
Step 1: In order for you to show off correctly, you need an excuse to open the hood of your car. So drive around with your friends or that special someone enough until your clunker stops working.
Step 2: Tell everyone, “Don’t worry, guys, I got this.” (You probably don’t, but it makes people feel better.)
Step 3: Open the hood using the lever usually located underneath the steering wheel. Then, walk to the hood of the car and release the hood latch (this might take some peering to figure out where the latch is). Lift it up, and place the prop rod in one of the holes underneath the lid of the hood.
Step 4: Stare inquisitively at the components. Unless you have a 1998 Toyota Sienna, it probably won’t look anything like this:
The first thing to know is that there are 5 different fluids that you can check underneath your hood.
Coolant: This does exactly what it sounds like. Ethylene glycol runs throughout the system to make sure your car doesn’t turn into a torch. (For tips on how to fry an egg on the hood of your car, see “How to Fry an Egg on the Hood of your Car” in your owner’s manual.) To check, simply take a lesson from your graduated cylinder days in high school, and examine whether the fluid fills up just between the “FULL” and “LOW” line.
Engine Oil: The engine oil ensures proper lubrication of your internal combustion system. Mechanical components are like 2 Peruvian fighting frogs; putting them directly with each other causes extreme wear (see “references to things that no one gets”). Therefore, lubrication oil is used to go in between the components, and is the reason why your car lasts longer than a day. To check this, simply pull out the engine oil dipstick, and wipe it off (If you don’t want to mess up your cardigan, you can also lick it off, although it isn’t recommended). Place it back in, and pull it out to make sure the oil level is between the two notches at the end of the stick. This is probably the easiest thing to check, hence the phrase, “Dipstick, you dips**t.” (DYD)
Transmission Oil: If you’re cool enough to drive manual, then you won’t have one of these. Automatic transmission fluid, or ATF, could be used as lubrication for your gears and sometimes, if you have a fancy enough 4WD car, hydraulic fluid. DYD.
Brake fluid: This is a hydraulic fluid, which your car uses to brake. Whenever someone says hydraulic fluid, simply think of the way a syringe works. Instead of having the plunger shaft push the piston, it’s pressurized fluid instead (usually some form of oil). There is a min/max line for the brake fluid.
Steering fluid: This is also a hydraulic fluid, which allows your wheels to move in the direction your steering wheel does. Again, use your graduated cylinder reading skills.
(I guess there’s also the windshield washer fluid, but I hope I don’t need to explain this one.)
Well, that’s all you can really do besides check for corroded wires on your battery, unless you bring your tool kit everywhere. Chances are, if you’ve tried everything, including pushing your car to get your engine started, you’re going to have to call for a tow. But hey, at least you impressed the heck out of your friends and wasted 15 minutes you could have used to call a tow truck.
