Plight of the Adolescent

It is common nowadays for youth to express disappointment when it comes to age, especially the age of 21. (For my international readers who don’t see the significance of this age, in the U.S. this is the age by which you can finally shop at coveted clothing chain Forever 21.)  But this isn’t what this blog post is about today.  Nay, I will examine the plight of a different generation.  This is the short investigative report on the generation that will support us financially, that we often take for granted, that the fate of the human race inextricably hinges upon.

Just the other day I sat with several acquaintances at a McDonalds, a local provider of free napkins and homogeneous sandwich selections.  Valerie ordered a Happy Meal, which also comes with what looks like a dog chew toy.  As with all drugs, the chew toy came with a health warning: Certified to be safe for children 1 and over.  How sorry did I then feel for those children who weren’t of age!

Readers, don’t you all remember that day when you were finally going to turn 1, and so you invited all your friends to hang out at the Toys ‘R Us that night?  There was partying and dancing, most were just sipping on their warm milk, but the naughty rebellious ones drank soda and got high off of bubblegum blow pops.  Then, finally then, the clock struck midnight, and you turned 1, so you marched into that Toys R’ Us, and said to the cashier, “It’s my 1st!  Can I get that stuffed polyester Spongebob?”

The cashier turned, pointing toward the sign in front of all Toys R’ Us that read, “We know you LOOK like you’re over 1, but we still need to see identification.”  So you whisked out your wallet from your back pocket, flashed the cashier with your ID, who then inspected it for fraudulence (toddlers these days make a killing off of selling fake IDs).  Then, after he was satisfied, would hand you the Spongebob, saying, “Happy Birthday!  This one’s on the house.”

How happy were you then!  You squeezed that toy in euphoric mirth, relishing in its choking hazardness, until finally the customer service came and stopped you before you blacked out from… being too tired.  Babies are supposed to sleep about 15 hours a day, and 1 am was several standard deviations past your bedtime.