Much Anticipated Obituary Post

It’s finals time again, but this time with a bittersweet ending.  I spent my last day studying in the Unit 1 ASC  saying congratulations to some graduating seniors, and taking plenty of free food.  The last hour or so was spent with Vtang and Brian sifting through facebook pictures and scoring the physical attractiveness of their friends.  Also, I learned what a “cameltoe” is.  Readers under 18, please go away and finish your book report. 

A long time ago, my leadership and team organizational structure class required me to write an obituary for myself, in order to see what I would like to have accomplished throughout my years.  Here it is:

Simon J. Xu, 142; Abominable business mogul finally dies

    Some called him Scrooge, some called him Mr. Montgomery Burns, but one thing was certain: nobody liked him. Xu, the CEO and owner of International Energy (IE), choked yesterday while he was at Chipotle, where he (humorously enough) choked on a burrito, trying to swallow it whole. Ironically, the local hospital paramedic team was also there eating dinner, but none of them rushed to administer the Heimlich maneuver. When he was pronounced dead 2 hours later, Chipotle customers applauded. He was 142.

    Xu lived a healthy life, far surpassing the world record for oldest age, much to the dismay of his company rivals and consumers. Shortly after IE bought out every competitor in the energy industry and obtained enough seats in the Senate and House of Representatives to repeal the nation’s antitrust laws, IE became the sole provider of the world’s energy. As a result, prices became sky-high and many people of the lower class were forced to live in shantytowns.

    Xu’s selfish disregard to humanity has led to repeated attempted assassinations, though all of them have failed. Xu has never donated to a charity, and instead uses all the money for various forms of entertainment, vacation houses, and of course, Chipotle burritos. His passing away was a welcome relief to energy consumers, and the government plans on using all the gold stashed away in his basements for an economic stimulus plan.

    In remembrance of Xu’s passing, we will be holding a funeral.  Champagne and refreshments will be provided, as well as a free performance by the Jonas Brothers, because Xu hated them.  Dressing in black is not necessary.