Intro to Christianity (for Atheists, Agnostics, and Gentiles) – Part I

     If you happen to be in one of the predominantly Asian schools, you may find yourself surrounded by an immense group of Asian Christians (ACs). As the immoral and sinful heathen that you are, you may not know a lot about this mysterious group of college students, who tend to hang around each other and participate in what they call “fellowship”. What a bunch of cult baloney. However, since the ACs dominate a fair portion of the campus, it is almost impossible to avoid them in your classes, on the street, or knocking at your door trying to invite you to their “fellowship”. But understanding their strange habits need not be an enigma, and with the right tools and knowledge, you too can learn to associate with your holier counterparts. This leads me to today’s topic: Understanding Asian Christian People.
People who consider themselves ACs usually fit into one or more of the following categories. Each is an essential component of all Asian Christian fellowships.

Worship leader.
This person can play pretty much all the instruments you can think of: piano, acoustic guitar, bass guitar, electric guitar, guitar hero guitar, violin, trumpet… yes, even the ukulele. You can spot this person on campus easily if you see them carrying a clean guitar case. (this is not to be confused by a dirty guitar case, which is carried by hobos)

Bible brainiac.
Everyone knows that Genesis 1 begins with “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth”, but a bible brainiac can say whatever comes after that. A bible brainiac is the one that does the strange action of sitting up and taking notes during Sunday morning sermons instead of nodding off like you’re supposed to.

Loud person.
Every good Christian fellowship needs someone who is there to break the ice, to yell “that’s what she said!” while all the other ACs nearby nervously chuckle.

Steakmaster (usu. male).
In an AC context, the only place where beer is not taboo is in a marinade, and these people really do know how to make meat taste great. Of course, it could just be that beer talking.

Baker (usu. female).
Everyone knows that the ones most loved by God are the ones that know how to bake delicious cake.

Cute girl all the Christian guys secretly have a crush on.
If you have a crush on this cute girl and find out later that she’s a Christian, you’re going to have to deal with competition.

That one white guy.
Sticking out like a pale thumb, this person hangs out with more Asian people than he does with white people. But this goes along with the age old saying of predominantly Asian schools: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”.

Logistics organizer.
ACs are very lazy when it comes to organizing events. But SOMEONE has to do it.

Extremely talented.
This AC is really good at something, and by “something”, I mean “one thing”, whether it be skateboarding, dancing, or playing Scrabble.

Holy angel.
This person has a permanent halo over his/her head. Although ACs aren’t really supposed to consider certain people “more Christian” than others, most ACs will secretly consider this person “more Christian” than they are.

I hope this lesson has enlightened you, you pagan, as you venture into a world filled with Asian Christians. Join us next time for Part II: Stuff Asian Christians Like.