Preface

     Even though the majority of you already know who I am, I feel that it’s still necessary for me to provide a formal introduction. The reason why I decided to change from my livejournal over to this blog is similar to reason why I don’t attend movie outings to Century Theaters anymore. These locations happen to be the breeding ground of junior high and high school students, who think that “cool” means they have a large enough group to take up a whole line of seats. Get a signed permission slip, muggles. (It’s really hard to express feelings without using expletives, so I’m going to need you all to imagine that I used a different word instead of “muggles”)

     But enough about them, let’s talk about me. In the past, people have told me that I was funny, and I would sit there swallowing all of their compliments in the same manner that Lindsay Lohan swallowed a ton of alcohol. I know this sounds arrogant, but this is only because one of my female friends last year hinted that I should try to be cockier in order to get girls by saying, “Simon, I know you have a crush on me, but I can’t like you back because you aren’t cocky enough.”

     Back to the subject at hand. To my dismay, I’ve found that there are people who are funnier than I am. I’m slowly becoming disillusioned, but I’ve managed to take all this news pretty well. The other day, I was talking to my friend at church, who said, “Simon, you gotta meet my friend, he’s funniest person in the world.”
     “No, I’M the funniest person in the world.” I replied. She raised raised both her eyebrows, rolling her eyes at the same time.
     “Show him to me.” She pointed out the guy, and a split second later, as if by impulse, I took my magnum (which I didn’t know I had in my pocket) and shot him until he fell to the ground. I quickly ran over, but by the time I got to him, he was pretty dead.
     As my wuss friend stared in shock with her mouth agape, I tried to apologize, but all I could muster out was “He had it coming.”

     Has everyone just gotten more funny, or have I lost my edge? Even worse, when Teresa introduced me to this free site, she also had to send me links of other blogs and columns with people funnier than I am. It was really a strange sight as I sat at my desk, laughing and moping in my self pity at the same time.

     Maybe I have lost my edge. Maybe my jokes are too bland, and I’m throwing wisecracks that are too prosaic and commonplace. When I was back in school, a few of my friends and I were gathered at the computing center studying Engineering 45.
     One guy said, “Man! I didn’t know this was so hard.”
     With a huge goofy grin on my face, I stood up and yelled, “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!”
     No one even chuckled. All of a sudden, as if by impulse, I pulled out a magnum from my pocket (again, I still don’t know where this came from) and pointed it my friends, threatening them to laugh, until I heard some nervous laughter. Moderately pleased, I returned to my work.

     I apologize for my bursting-with-virility demeanor in the previous anecdotes (which happen to be 100% true, just READ my tagline) but I don’t know what has really gotten into me these days. OH shoot! I forgot to take my testosterone injections today.